The Beer Pixie is a Cunt.

Whilst walking the dog to the pub last night I suddenly experienced a strange desire, no doubt bought on by the light evenings, for a pint of Lager. Normally being a Guinness drinker the fizzy yellow stuff has little appeal but, being full of the joys of spring, I decided to relent to my inner desires and sup some of the hoppy German brew.

The evening passed, as it often does, in a pleasant miasma of conversation, good company and cheer, until as the night drew to a close, the beer pixie gathered me up in his arms and safely escorted both the dog and myself, back up the hill and to bed.

Waking up this morning I realised that the beer pixie is a funny little sod. I'm eternally grateful for his help in negotiating the couple of miles of narrow country lanes and dark treacherous muddy woodland paths between the hostelry and my home. The little chap usually only takes every penny in my pocket as compensation for ensuring that I (eventually) get home safely without falling in (too many) hedges and ditches on route. However this benevolent little sprite plainly has a vindictive side, and an impassioned dislike of Hoffbrau Export strength lager. This would explain why as he helped into my home without waking up the (whole) house and helped me to take of (some of) my clothes before retiring me (on) to my bed, the little cunt shat in my mouth, leaving me to feel bloody awful this morning.

As I lay in bed willing myself to get up and go to work I remembered why I don't drink lager. It risks the wrath of the beer pixie and tastes weird in the morning, leaving me feeling like a corpse. With a headache.

I think that in future I will stick to Guinness, It may turn your shit black, but that Lager does nasty things to my brain.

Bring Back Gun Boat Diplomacy

"As the Roman, in days of old, held himself free from indignity, when he could say, Civis Romanus sum [I am a Roman citizen], so also a British subject, in whatever land he may be, shall feel confident that the watchful eye and the strong arm of England will protect him from injustice and wrong."Lord Palmerston in 1850 after sending in the Navy to blockade the Greek Port of Piraeus because of the refusal of the Greek Government to compensate a Portuguese Jew, "Don Pacifico" after he was attacked by an anti Semitic mob in Athens. Don Pacifico was a British Citizen by virtue of having been born in Gibraltar.

"What we are trying to do at the moment is to pursue this through the diplomatic channels and make the Iranian government understand these people have to be released and that there is absolutely no justification whatever for holding them. I hope we manage to get them to realise they have to release them. If not, then this will move into a different phase." Tony Blair 2007, doing fuck all after 15 Royal Navy personnel were abducted by the Iranians whilst operating under the Authority of a UN Security Council Resolution in Iraqi Territorial Waters.

And we wonder why Johnny Foreigner doesn't respect us any more?

Astra Vans should be Banned.

My heart goes out to the driver of the Buggati Veryon above, not only has their pride and joy been ruined (even if it gets repaired all his mates will have seen how well he takes corners) not only has he been charged with driving without due care and attention, but there was also a seven month pregnant woman in the vehicle he collided with. What are the odds? New distinctive fuel guzzling sports car arrives, you take it out for a spin- do a bit of showing off to your passenger you slip in the wet and hit, not a bus full of local council officers, or a car load of Jehovah's witnesses about to start on a leaflet drop, but a pregnant woman. Couldn't have done worse if he'd hit a sack load of puppies. Poor sod will probably have Lib Dem's and other muesli eating hippies vilifying him for the rest of life. On the plus side at least the pregnant woman was in a white Astra van, so it was probably all her fault.

UPDATE: apparently the car was picked up by the same lorry that had delivered it a few days before. I'll bet that driver didn't laugh. Much.

Irritating Twat.

I'm obviously talking about the balding Egyptian Cunt, not the totty. To be honest I really couldn't care less about whether or not there will be a jury at the inquest for Diana and Dodi, It's just that every time I see this smug little bastard on TV or in the paper I always want to know why he wasn't ever charged for bribing that fucker Hamiton?

I know that this sort of behavior is now probably compulsory and that if Fayed were to offer cash to any of the current lot he'd probably be in the House of Lords, clutching his passport (ala Hinduja), faster than documents go missing out of a Harrods safety deposit box, but times were supposed to be different then.

Celebration of Castro?

Forgive your humble correspondent for being a bit late of the mark with this one but, as I don't come from London, the news that Ken Livingstone is planning to spend £2 million on a street party in honor of "50 years of justice" in Cuba completely passed me by until I read Anthony Brownes piece in today's spectator.

Having been to Cuba several times I have always been impressed by the friendliness of the Cuban People and have found it a wonderful place to wallow in some decadent western pastimes, usually with a bottle of Havana club and a Montecristo number one. Not being a total cunt I fail to see how they've benefited from fifty years of communist rule when the country has gone from one of the richest in the Caribbean to living in abject poverty.

Cuba is a country where freedom of speech and opinion are severely restricted (i.e they don't have it) and poverty is rife, with many people unable to obtain basic necessities such as dried Milk for babies without paying high prices on the black market. Though the schools where the party apparatchiks send their children are apparently brilliant, reading is restricted to state approved texts, (I'd recommend a visit to a book shop, lots of biographies of Castro and socialist rants) and the schools where ordinary Cubans send their kids fall well short of the mark. Though Cuba has a high literacy rate there are no jobs, and as for the hospitals, with the exception of the UN teaching hospital in Havana, again used mainly by party members, I'd rather go to the vets.

Next time Red Ken takes a tax payer fuelled junket to Cuba it might do him some good to pull his head out of arse, get shot of the government employed guides, leave the five star hotels and actually go and have a look at the type of "socially just" country that the old monster Castro has created. (Give you a clue, walk in a straight line from any tourist area in any direction and it won't take long.)

Rather than sending congratulations to Castro, Londoners should send the Cubans some rope and a book on knot tying, passing on the tradition of the Tyburn jig so they can string the fucker up from the nearest lamppost and get themselves a proper government.

Thinking about it that wouldn't be a bad bit of advise for any "cockney sparrows" reading this to apply at home.